REDEFINING SHAME
New York, September 2022
OLIVER SIM says that one of the most daunting parts about his new record Hideous Bastard has been figuring out who he is outside of his band, The xx. The risk of going solo has certainly paid off - Oliver’s album is a wonderful body of work that’s powerful in its vulnerability. Throughout the LP, the artist talks about parts of himself that have been causing him shame growing up, such as his queer identity or the HIV diagnosis he received at the age of 17 (which he reveals on the first track, Hideous). This open approach has become a way for Oliver to liberate himself from past ‘demons’ - embracing who he is and what he’s been through - and create an album that’s joyous and celebratory in its overall tone. A couple of days after its release, we spoke to Sim about his radically honest attitude, collaborating with director Yann Gonzalez on a camp horror short film accompanying the record, and dancing in front of the TV as a child.
Sequin top COMMISSION, tanktop stylist’s own
When did you first realize that you wanted to record a solo album and what was most daunting to you about this process?
I haven’t wanted to do a solo record for long because I really love the dynamic of being in a band and being in it with my two best friends. But I think seeing Jamie [xx] do his solo work and how that’s changed The xx for the better – in terms of finding so many new ideas and ways of working – was the beginning of me thinking that both Romy and I should also be doing this. Since I’ve been part of the band since I was 15 and it’s so ingrained in who I am, the most daunting thing was the question of, “Who the fuck am I if I’m not 1/3 of this? What do I sound like and what do I have to say?” But it was fun to figure this out and I have gained a lot more of an idea of who I am through this process – I’m more con!dent now.
What is the meaning that the title of the record, Hideous Bastard, holds to you?
I named the album quite far into the process, once I knew what the record was about. I was writing a lot about fear and shame, but not from a stance of trying to beat myself up or make myself feel any worse – the whole process of talking about shame, for me, has been the opposite of shame. In the past, I’ve just been thinking, “Why would I want to talk about the things that make me uncomfortable about myself?” So I’ve tried to conceal them. But with shame, concealing it makes it grow, and I found that trying to manage it like that just doesn’t work for me. So I saw the whole record as quite joyous, despite the themes explored in it, and even though the whole process was uncomfortable at times, it was a celebratory thing. I thought that the title needed the self-deprecating aspect, but also needed to have some kind of humour to it. And for me, Hideous Bastard depicts that approach well – it can be a term of endearment, but it’s also self-deprecating. It’s funny, but also a bit savage.
Left Top Jean Paul Gautier Archives, tanktop Front General Store, pants Kwaidan Editions
On the album, you reveal that you have been HIV positive since you were 17 years old. Why was it important for you to speak openly about this?
When I was writing the song Hideous, the reason that I mentioned my HIV status at the very end is because I only decided to include it at the end of the writing process. I was like, “This is going to be a song condensed about shame, but I’m not mentioning the thing that causes me the most shame.” And I thought of so many different ‘poetic’ ways I could say HIV – I had a whole book of different ways I could say it without really saying it – but the whole process of trying to find a veiled way of wording it fed into the whole shame, it didn’t feel good. And even though HIV is not an easy word to sing, saying it very clearly felt a lot better.
Is there a particular lyric on the album that evokes the emotions or the narratives of the record the best for you?
I would say the lines on Fruit – “I’ve heard other people say, It can’t be right if it causes you shame.” It illustrates those feelings of trying to separate the difference between whether I feel ashamed about things, or whether I’m taking indicators from the outside world saying that I should feel ashamed about them. Actually, George Michael has taught me so much about this subject – [in his work] he turned shame on its head and was like, “I don’t feel ashamed. Do you?” And he did it in such a fun, sexy way! I know that I’ve said the word ‘shame’ a million times in our conversation, but I’ve gone on such a journey about it, thinking it’s the devil and the end to all that is good. But now, I have a more balanced viewpoint on it – being ashamed isn’t necessarily a good thing, but George Michael taught me that shame can be hot! That the concealment is sexy, and can also be very creative. I’m a big George Michael fan.
Left Top Comme des Garçons Archives, tanktop Front General Store
Right Coat Prada
Hideous Bastard is a project with a very de!ned visual aesthetic and you have worked with director Yann Gonzalez on a short movie accompanying the record that’s a camp take on the traditions of classic horror cinema. Why did you want to collaborate with Yann?
I actually contacted Yann very early into the project when I just had a couple of songs in the works. I knew that I was making an album that’s quite confessional, but I didn’t want to present it in a really earnest way and accompany it with visuals that are ‘raw’ and ‘real’, because I think that would be just like shouting at people, “Take me seriously! Feel this feeling!” I love fantasy and I think that fantasy can be just as meaningful as a documentary !lm. People didn’t need to see me in my bedroom in my rawest state to connect with the feelings – that would’ve been really two-dimensional. And I think that Yann’s films are really meaningful, and they have taught me a lot, but they’re also really fucking ab- surd – they’re really funny, they can be dark and scary, but they can also be colourful and joyous. That said, when I first reached out to Yann, it was not with a proposal of working together. I just wanted to be his friend. A lot of this record has been about trying to make friends because in the past, being in the band with my two oldest friends has given me a perfect excuse for my social anxiety to not speak to anyone else within the industry. But as it turns out, most people are really happy to hear that you are a big fan of theirs and are willing to have a chat! [Laughs] So with Yann, we became pen pals for a year before we worked on anything together. I would send him my demos and he would share with me book, film and music recommendations.
Which moment from the !lm has been the most absurd and fun to shoot?
I mean, I loved killing Jamie! [Laughs] He’s such a sweet guy and super shy, so it was really generous of him to let me do that to him in the film. Before we went on set, he would practice his scream a lot while driving in his car.
Top Jean Paul Gautier Archives, top front Front General Store
The film features an image of the younger version of you dancing in front of the TV and you said that it is something that you also used to do as a kid - what was some of your favourite music to dance to?
Madonna’s Ray of Light album was definitely one! Also, I have an older sister and I would steal loads of her music – most of her collection was mid-‘90s R&B, so Aaliyah was definitely somebody that was a big part of my childhood. She was so cool to me – I loved that quite masculine way in which she carried and styled herself. So yeah, Madonna and Aaliyah were my dance-routines-in-the- living-room kind of gals.
In another interview, you said that real-life situations scare you way more than horrors can ever do. What would you say is the ultimate idea of ‘horror’ for you?
It would have to be when somebody that you care about is giving you just a tiny bit of something – let’s say they are angry with you in some way, so they leave you on ‘Read’ for weeks. That to me would be hell! Not hearing from them would drive me crazy. [Laughs] Similar things have happened to me, not for that long, but that situation gives you all the space to spiral and make so many different narratives in your head.
Left Sequin top Comission, tanktop stylist’s own, shorts WTFATC
Right Dress Raf Simons, tanktop stylist’s own, shorts WTFATC, socks Miu Miu, shoes Prada
Jacket and pants Willy Chavarria, turtleneck Balenciaga, shoes PRADA
Coat and shoes Prada , pants Kwaidan Editions
Interview by Martin Onufrowicz
Photography by Quil Lemons
Fashion by Jason Rider
Production by Emma Brinkman
Hair by Josh Knight at Caren
Grooming by Jenny Sauce at The Wall Group
Make-Up by Sil Bruinsma at The Wall Group
Set Design by Danielle Selig
Photographer’s assistants Matt Yoscary and Adam Kenner
Stylist’s assistant Sho Tatsuishi